he the man...

steve

1

s: once upon a time, there was lovely princess.
but she had an enchantment on her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss.
she was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
many brave nights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed.
she waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and love's first kiss.
[laughing] like that's ever going to happen.
what a load of...

<;music>

d1: think it's in there?

d2: all right. let's get it!

d1: whoa. hold on. do you know what that thing can do to you?

d3: yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

s: [laughs] yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
now, ogres -- they're much worse.
they'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

d1: no!

s: they'll shave your liver. squeze the jelly from your eyes. actually, it's quite good on toast.

d2: back! back, beast! back! i warn ya!

[s puts out torch]

d*: [gasping]

d2: right.

s: [roaring]

d*: [shouting]

s: [roaring continues]

d*: [shouting continues]

s: [whispers] this is the part where you run away.

d*:[gasping]

s: [laughs] and stay out!
wanted. fairy tale creatures.
[sighs]

[man's voice]
all right. this one's full.
steve

2

take it away

[dwarves singing]

[man's voice]: next!

Guard: Give me that!

Witch: Oh!

guard: Your flying days are over!

Captain: That's twenty pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

Man #1 (sotto voce): Lousy twenty pieces of silver...

Baby Bear (crying): This cage is too small

Donkey: Please don't turn me in, I'll never be stubborn again, I can change, please, give me another chance!

Old woman: Oh, shut up!

C: Next! What have you got?

Man #2: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy.

C:Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. Next! What have you got?

OW: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

c:right...well that's good for ten shillings...if you can prove it

ow: oh, well go ahead little fella

c: well?

ow: oh, he's just a little nervous, he's really quite a chatterbox! c'mon you boneheaded donk...

c: that's it, i've had enough! guards!

ow: no no, he talks! he does! (pretending to be donkey) i can talk! i love to talk! i'm the talkiest damn thing you ever saw!

c: get her out of my sight!

ow: no no, i swear!

d: hey, i can fly!

boy: he can fly!

crowd: he can fly!

c: he can talk!

d: ha ha, that's right fool! now i'm a flying talking donkey! you might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly, but i bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! ha ha! uh-oh!

c: seize him!

c: you there! ogre!

shrek: aye?

c: by the order of lord farquaad, i am authorised to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated...resettlement...facility!

s: oh really? you and what army?

c: oh!

d: can i say something to you? listen, you were really really something back there! incredible!

s: are you talking to...me? whoa!

d: yes i was talking to you! can i just tell you that you was really great back there man, those guards, they thought they was all of it, then you showed up and bang!, they was tripping over themselves like babes in the wood. hah, see that, that really made me feel good to see that!

s: oh that's great!

d: man it's good to be free!

s: now, why don't you go enjoy your freedom with your own friends? hmm?

d: er, i don't have any friends. and i'm not going out there by myself. hey wait a minute, i got a great idea! i'll stay with you! you're a mean green fighting machine, together we'll scare the spit out of anyone who crosses us!

s: aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

d: wow, that was really scary! and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done 'cos you definitely need some tic tacs or something 'cos your breath stinks! man you almost burned the hair outta my nose! just like the time (mmmmhmhm mhmhmh mhmhmh mhmhmhmh mhmhmhhm) and then i ate some rotten berries, man there were some strong gases leaking outta my butt that day.

s: why, are you following me?

d: i'll tell you why. (sings) cos i'm all alone! there's no one here beside me! my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me! but you gotta have friends...

s: stop singing! it's no wonder you don't have any friends!

d: wow, only a true friend would be that truly honest!

s: listen, little donkey! take a look at me - what am i?

d: er, really tall?

s: no, i'm an ogre. you know, grab your torch and pitchforks. doesn't that bother you?

d: no!

s: really?

d: really really!

s: oh!

d: man i like you. what's your name?

s: er, shrek.

d: shrek? well you know what i like about you shrek? you've got that kind of 'i don't care what nobody thinks of me' thing, i like that, i respect that shrek. you alright. woo, look at that! who'd want to live in a place like that?

s: that would be my home.

d: and it is lovely! just beautiful! you know you are quite a decorator, it's amazing what you'e done with such a modest budget. i like that boulder, that is a nice boulder! er, i guess you don't entertain much do you?

s: i like my privacy.

d: you know i do too! that's another thing we have in common! don't you hate it when you've got someone in your face, you're trying to give them a hint but they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
...
...
can i stay with you?

s: what?

d: can i stay with you? please?

s: of course!

d: really?

s: no!

d: please, i don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak...well, maybe you do, but that's why we've gotta stick together! you've gotta let me stay, please!

s: okay, okay! one night only!

d: ha!

s: wh, what are you doing?

d: ha, this is gonna be great, we can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

s: doooooooooooooooooh!

d: er, where do i sleep?

s: outside!

d: oh er, i guess that's cool. i mean i don't know you and you don't know me, i guess outside is best...here i go...goodnight
(sotto voce) i mean i do like the outdoors, i'm a donkey, i was born outside...just find myself outside i guess...by myself outside...i'm all alone, there's no one...
mrtn

3

s: [sighs]
[creaking]
[sighs]
i thought i told you t stay outside.

d: i am outside.
[clattering]
[clattering]

m1: well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

m2: it's not home, but it'll do just fine.

m1: what a lovely bed.

s: got ya!

m1: [sniffs] i found some cheese.

s: ow! [grunts]

m1: blah! awful stuff.

m3: is that you, gorder?

m1: how did you know?

s: enough" what are you doing in my house?
[grunts]
hey!

7d: [snicker]

s: oh, no, no, no. dead broad off the table.

7d: where are we supposed to put her? the bed's taken.

s: huh? [gasps]

bbw: what?

s: i live in a swamp. i put up signs. i'm a terrifying ogre!
what do i have to do to get a little privacy?
oh, no.
oh, no.
no! no!

w: [cackling]
[cackling continues]

c: quit it.
don't push.
[squeaking]
[lows]

s: what are you doing in my swamp?
[echoing] swamp! swamp! swamp!

c: [gasping] oh, dear!

s: all right, get out of here.
all of you, move it!
come on! let's go!
hapaya! hapaya! hey!
quickly, come on.
no, no. no, no. not there. not there.
oh! [sighs]
not there!

d: hey, don't look at me. i didn't invite them.

p: oh gosh, no-one invited us.

s: what?

p: we were forced to to come here.

s: by who?

p1: lord farquad. he huffed und he puffed und he ... signed an eviction notice.

s: [sighs] all right.
who knows where this farquaad guy is?

[murmuring]

d: oh, i do. i know where he is.

s: does anyone else know where to find him?
anyone at all?

d: me! me!

s: anyone?

d: oh! oh, pick me!
oh, i know! i know! me, me!

s: [sighs]
okay, fine.
attention all fairy tale things.
do not get comfortable. your welcome is officially worn out.
in fact, i'm gonna se this guy farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from.

[cheering]

[twittering]

[cheering continues]

s: oh!
you!
you're comin' with me.

d: all right, that's what i like to hear, man.
shrek and donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.
i love it!
*on the road again*
sing it with me, shrek.

p: hey. oh, oh!

d: *i can't wait to get on the road again*

s: what did i say about singing?

d: can i whistle?

d: no.

d: can i hum it?

s: all right, hum it.

d:*[humming]*
steve

4

[organ music]

[gingerbread man, whimpering]

f: that's enough! he's ready to talk.
(laughing)
(coughs)
run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me i'm the gingerbread man!

g: you're a monster!

f: i'm not the monster here, you are! you and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. now tell me, where are the others?

g: eat me! (spits)

f: aaarrggghhh! i've tried to be fair to you creatures, now my patience has reached its end! tell me, or i'll-

g:no not the buttons! not my gumdrop buttons!

f: alright then, who's hiding them?

g:okay, i'll tell you. do you know...the muffin man?

f: the muffin man?

g: the muffin man.

f: yes, i know the muffin man! who lives on drury lane?

g: well, she's married to the muffin man.

f: the muffin man?

g: the muffin man!

f: she's married to the muffin man.

guard: my lord, we've found it!

f: well then what are you waiting for? bring it in!

gd: (groaning)

[harp music]

guards: (gasps)

g: ooohhhh!

f: magic mirror...

g: don't tell him anything!
nooo! oh!

f: evening! mirror mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

m: well technically, you're not a king.

f: er, phelonius...

(smashing glass)

f: you were saying?

m: what i mean is, sir, you're not a king yet! er, but you can become one! all you have to do is marry a princess.

f: go on...

m: (laughs) so, just sit back and relax my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes and ... here they are!

bachelorette number 1 is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far far away. she likes sushi and hot tubbing...anytime! her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. please welcome...cinderella!

bachelorette number 2 is a cape wearing girl from the land of fantasy! although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy! just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what a livewire she is! c'mon, give it up for...snow white!

and last, but certainly not least, bachelorete number 3 is a fiery redhead from a dragon guarded castle surrounded by a hot boiling lava. but don't let that cool you off, she's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain! yours for the rescuing, princess fiona!

so will it be bachelorette number 1? bachelorette number 2? or bachelorette number 3?

gds: 3! 2! 3! 1! 2! 3! 2! 3!

f: 1...hmmnn, hmmnn

ph: 3! pick number three m'lord!

f: okay! number 3!

m: lord farquaad, you've chosen princess fiona!

[music, cheering]

f: princess...fiona...she's perfect. all i have to do is just find someone who can go to-

m: but i probably should mention the little thing that happens at night-

f: yes, i'll do it!

m: yes, but after sunset-

f: silence! i will make this princess fiona my queen, and duloc will finally have the perfect king!
captain, assemble your finest men! we're going to have...a tournament!
mrtn

5

d: well, that's it. that's it right there. that's duloc.
i told ya i'd find it.

s: so, that must be lord farquaad's castle.

d: uh-huh. that's the place.

s: do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
[laughs]
[groans]

d: hey, wait.
wait up, shrek.

r: hurry, darling. we're late. hurry.

s: hey, you.

t: [screams]

s: wait a second. look, i'm not gonna eat ya.
i just-- i just--

t: [whimpering]

s: [sighs]

t: [whimpering, groans]

[turnstile clatters]

d: [chuckles]

s: [sighs]

*[instrumental muzak]*

s: it's quiet. too quiet.

[creaking]

s: where is everybody?

d: hey, look at this!

[clattering, whirring, clicking]

[clicking]

[clicking quickens]

i: *welcome to duloc, such a perfect town
here we have some rules, let us lay them down
don't make waves, stay in line
and we'll get along fine
duloc is a perfect place
please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes,
wash your... face
duloc is, duloc is, duloc is a perfect place*

[camera shutter clicks]

[whirring]

d: wow! let's do that again!

s: no. no. no, no, no! no.

[trumpet fanfare]

[crowd cheering]

f: brave knights.
you are the best and brightest in all the land.

d: [humming]

f: today one of you shall prove himself--

s: all right. you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

d: sorry about that.

[cheering]

f: that champion shall have the honour-- no, no-- the privilege
to go forth and rescue the lovely princess fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon.

if for any reason the winner is unsuccesful, the first runner-up will take his place,
and so on and so forth.

some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice i am willing to make.

[cheering]

f: let the tournament begin!

[gasps]

c: oh!

f: what is that?

c: [gasping]

f: it's hideous.

s: ah, that's not very nice.
it's just a donkey.

d: huh?

f: indeed. knights, new plan!
the one who kills the ogre will be named champion! have at him!

c: get him!

s: oh, hey! now come on! hang on now.

c: go ahead, get him!

s: can't we just settle this over a pint?

c: kill the beast.

s: no? all right then.
come on!

**

d: hey, shrek, tag me! tag me!

s: ah! [laughs]
yeah!

c: the chair! give him the chair!

[bell dings]

s: [laughs] oh, yeah! ah! ah!
thank you! thank you very much!
i'm here till thursday. try the veal! ha, ha!
[laughs]

c: [gasping, murmuring]

k: shall i give the order sir?

f: no, i have a better idea.
people of duloc, i give you our champion!

s: what?

f: congratulations, ogre.
you've won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.

s: quest? i'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

f: your swamp?

s: yeah, my swamp!
where you dumped those fairy tale creatures.

c: [murmuring]

f: indeed.
all right, ogre, i'll make you a deal.
go on this quest for me and i'll give you your swamp back.

s: exactly the way it was?

f: down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

s: and the squatters?

f: as good as gone.

s: what kind of quest?
steve

6

d: hey let me get this straight, you've got to go find a dragon and rescue a princess just so farquaad can give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cos he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?

s: you know what, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

d: i don't get it shrek, why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him, you know, throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, you know, the whole ogre trip?

s: oh i know what, maybe i could've decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, got a knife, cut open their spleens, drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

d: er, no, not really, no.

s: for your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

d: example?

s: example? okay, erm, ogres are like onions!

d: (sniffs) they stink?

s: yes. no.

d: oh, they make you cry?

s: no!

d: oh, you leave 'em out in the sun they get all brown and sprouting little white hairs?

s: no! layers! onions have layers! ogres have layers! onions have layers! you get it? we both have layers! (sighs)

d: oh, you both have layers! you know, not everybody like onions! cake! everybody loves cakes! cakes have layers!

s: i don't care what everyone likes! ogres are not like cakes.

d: you know what else everybody like? parfait! have you ever met a person you say 'hey, let me get some parfait' and they say 'hey no i don't like know parfait'? parfaits are delicious!

s: no! you dense irritating miniature beast of burden! ogres are like onions! end of story! bye bye! see you later!

d: parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

s: i think i preferred your humming.

d: do you have a tissue or something, 'cos i'm making a mess. just the word parfait makes me start slobbing.

[music]

d: phew shrek! did you do that? man, you've gotta warn someone before you just crack one off, my mouth was open and everything.

s:belive me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead! (sniffs) it's brimstone - we must be getting close.

d: yeah right, brimstone. don't be talking about brimstone, i know what i smell and it wasn't no brimstone, didn't come off no stone neither.

[music]

s: sure it's big enough, but look at the location! (laughs)

d: er, shrek. er, remember when you said that ogre have layers? well i have a bit of a confession to make, erm, donkeys don't have layers, we wear our fear right out on our sleeves.

s: wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!

d: you know what i mean!

s: oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

d: no, i'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

s: donkey i'm right here beside you, okay? for, emotional support. we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

d: really?

s: really really.

d: okay. that makes me feel so much better.

s: just keep moving. and don't look down!

d: okay, don't look down. don't look down. keep on moving and don't look down. don't look down. keep on moving and don't look down. shrek! i'm looking down! aaaahhh, god i can't do this, just let me off right now please!

s: but you're already halfway!

d: yeah, but i know that half is safe!

s: okay, fine, i don't have time for this, you go back!

d: shrek no wait!

s: just don't ... let's have a dance then shall we?

d: ah, don't do that!

s: oh i'm sorry! do what? oh, this!

d: yes, that!

s: yes. yes, do it. okay!

d: aaaahh, no shrek, no!

s: you just said do it, i'm doing it!

d: oh god i'm gonna die, i'm gonna die, i'm gonna die, shrek i'm gonna die! oh!

s: that'll do donkey, that'll do.

d: cool! so where is this fire breathing pain in the neck anyway?

s: inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

d: i was talking about the dragon shrek.
mrtn

7

d: [whispers] you afraid?

s: no, but-- shh.

d: oh, good. me neither. [gasps]
course, there's nothing wrong with being afraid.
fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.
unfamiliar dangerous situation, i might add.
with a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared,
you know what i mean?

i sure as heck ain't no coward. i know that. [gasp]

s: donkey. two things, okay?
shut... up.

now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

d: i thought we was lookin' for the princess.

s: the princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

d: what makes you think she'll be there?

s: i read it in a book once.

d: cool. you handle the dragon. i'll handle the stairs.
i'll find those stairs. i'll whip they butt too, that's right.
those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.

[creaking]

i'm gonna take drastic steps.
kick it to the kerb. don't mess with me, i'm the stair master.
i've mastered the stairs.i wish i had a step here, right here and now. i'd step all over it.

s: well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--

d: dragon!
[screams]
[gasps]

[roars]

s: donkey, look out!

[screams]

[screams]

[whimpering]

s: got ya!

[roars]

[gasps]

[shouts]

s: whoa! whoa! whoa!

[screaming]

[gasps]

d: oh! aah! aah!

[gasping]

[growls]

d: no. oh, no. no!
[screams]
oh, what large teeth you have.

[growls]

d: i mean, white sparkling teeth. i know you probably hear this all the time from your food,
but you must bleach or somethin', 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there.
and do i detect a hint of minty freshness?

and you know what else? you what else?
you're-- you're a girl dragon.
oh, sure! i mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
cause, you're just reeking feminine beauty.

what's the matter with you?
you got somethin' in your eye?

ooh. oh. oh.

man, i'd really love to stay, but, you know, i'm, uh-- [coughs]
i'm an asthmatic, and i don't know if it'd work if you're gonna be blowing smoke rings and stuff.
shrek!
[gasps]

[whimpering]
no! shrek! shrek! shrek!
steve

8

s: (groans)

f: oh-oh-whoa!

s: wake up!

f: what?

s: are you princess fiona?

f: i am...awaiting a knight so bold as to rescure me!

s: aw that's nice. now let's go!

f: but wait, sir knight! this be-eth our first meeting - should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

s: yeah...sorry lady, there's no time.

f: hey wait! what are you doing? you know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valient steed!

s: you've had a lot of time to plan this haven't you?

f: aaaahhh! but we have to savour this moment! you could recite an epic poem for me! a ballad? a sonnet? a limerick! or something!

s: i don't think so.

f: well, can i at least know the name of my champion?

s: erm, shrek.

f: sir shrek, i pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.

s: thanks.

dr: (roars)

f: you didn't slay the dragon?

s: it's on my to-do list, now come on!

f: aaah! but this isn't right! you're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying - that's what all the other knights did!

s: yeah, right before they burst into flame!

f: that's not the point! wait, where are you going? the exit's other there!

s: well i have to save my ass!

f: what kind of knight are you?

s: one of a kind.

d: slow down, slow down baby please. i believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. just call me old fashioned, you know! ha ha! i don't want to rush into a, er, a physical relationship. i'm not emotionally ready for a, er, a commitment of this, er, magnitude really is the word i'm looking for, magnitude. what? hey, that is unwanted physical contact! hey, what are you doing? okay, okay, let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. i mean we really should get to know each other first you know as, er, friends or maybe even as penpals! 'cos i'm on the road a lot but i just love receiving cards and you know i'd really love to stay but - hey hey hey don't do that, that's my tail! that's my personal tail! why you're gonna tear it off! i don't give permission - hey, what're you going to do with that? hey now, no way. no, no, no no. no, no no no. no. oh!

[music, roaring]

f: (gasps)

d: hi princess!

f: it talks!

s: yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!

d: (screaming)

s: ohhhhh! (groans)

dr: (roars)

s,d,f: (gasps)

s: okay you too, head for the exit! i'll take care of the dragon! ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!

f: (gasps)

d: (screams)

dr: (roars)

f: (screams)

dr: (roars)

f, d: (panting, sighs)

dr: (whimpers, roars)
mrtn

9

[dragon growling in the distance]

f: you did it!
you rescued me! you're amazing.
you're-- you're wonderful. you're...
a little unorthodox i'll admit.
but thy deed is great and thine heart is pure.
i am eternally in your debt.

d: [clears throat]

f: and where would a great knight be without his noble steed?

d: all right, i hope you heard that. she called me a noble steed.
she think i'm a steed.

f: [laughs] the battle is won.
you may remove your helmet, good sir knight.

s: uh, no.

f: why not?

s: i... i have helmet hair.

f: please. i would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

s: no, no, you wouldn't-- 'st.

f: but, how will you kiss me?

s: what? that wasn't in the job description.

d: maybe it's a perk.

f: no, it's destiny. oh, you must know how it goes.
a princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon
is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

d: hmm? with shrek. you think-- wait.
wait. hold, hold, hold, wait a sec.
you think that shrek is your true love?

f: well, yes.

d: [laughing]

s: [laughing]

d: [laughing] you think is your true love.

f: what's so funny?

s: let's just say i'm not your type, okay?

f: of course you are. you're my rescuer.
now-- now remove your helmet.

s: look, i really don't think this is a good idea.

f: just take off the helmet.

s: i'm not going to.

f: take it off.

s: no!

f: now!

s: okay! easy! as you command, your highness.

f: you-- you're a-- an ogre.

s: oh, you were expecting prince charming.

f: well, yes, actually.
oh, no. this is all wrong.
you're not supposed to be an ogre.

s: [sighs] princess, i was sent to resuce you by lord farquaad, okay?
he's the one who wants to marry you.

f: then why didn't he come rescue me?

s: good question, you should ask him that when we get there.

f: but i have to be rescued by my true love.
not by some ogre and his-- his pet.

d: well, so much for noble steed.

s: look, princess, you're not making my job any easier.

f: well, i'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
you can tell lord farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly,
that i'll be waiting for him right here.

s: hey! i'm no-one's messenger boy, all right?
i'm a delivery boy.

f: you wouldn't dare.
[screams]
put me down.

s: you comin', donkey?

d: yep, i'm right behind ya.

f: put me down or you will suffer the consqeuences!
this is not dignified! put me down!
[screams]

d: ok, so here's another question.
say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her _that_ way.
how do you let her down real easy, so her feelings aren't hurt,
but you don't get burnt to a crisp and eaten.
how you do that?

f: you just tell her she's not your true love.
everyone knowest what happens when you find your--
hey! [sighs]
the sooner we get to duloc the better.

d: oh, yeah. you're gonna love it there princess. it's beautiful.

f: and what of my groom to be? lord farquaad? what's he like?

s: well, let me put it this way, princess.
men of farquaad's stature are in short supply.
[laughs]

d: i don't know, shrek. there are those who thinklittle of him.
[both laughing]

f: stop it. stop it, both of you.
you know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like lord farquaad.

s: yeah, well, maybe you're right, princess.
but, i'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.

f: tomorrow? it'll take that long?
shouldn't we stop to make camp?

s: no, that'll take longer.
we can keep going.

f: but there's robbers in the woods.

d: whoa! time out, shrek.
camping's definitely starting to sound good.

s: hey, come one. i'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest.

f: i need to find somewhere to camp now!

[bird wings fluttering]
steve

10

s: (grunting)
hey, over here.

d: shrek, we can do better than that! now i don't think this is fit for a princess!

f: no no it's perfect. it just needs a few homey touches.

s: homey touches?

f: a door? well gentlemen i bid thee goodnight.

d: erm, you want me to come in there and read you a bedtime story, 'cos i will.

f: i said goodnight!

d: shrek, what are you doing?

s: (laughs) i just - you know - oh come on, i was just kidding.

s: and er, that one, that's throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheatfields.

d: right, yeah. hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

s: the stars don't tell the future donkey, they tell stories. look, there's bloodnut the flatulent. you can guess what he's famous for (laughs)

d: alright, now i know you're making this up.

s: no, look. there he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

d: man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.

s: you know donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. hmm? forget it.

d: (sighs) hey shrek, what we going to do when we get our swamp anyway?

s: our swamp?

d: you know, when we're through rescuing the princess and all that stuff.

s: we? donkey, there's no we. there's no our!

d: hm?

s: there's just me and my swamp. and the first thing i'm gonna do is build a ten foot wall around my land.

d: you cut me deep shrek. you cut me real deep just now. you know what i think? i think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out!

s: no, d'ya think?

d: are you hiding something?

s: never mind donkey.

d: aw, this is another one of those onion things isn't it?

s: no, this is one of those drop it and leave it alone things!

d: well why don't you want to talk about it?

s: why do you want to talk about it?

d: why are you blocking?

s: i'm not blocking!

d: oh yes you are!

s: donkey, i'm warning you!

d: who you trying to keep out, just tell me that shrek!

s: everyone, okay!

d: oh now we're getting somewhere!

s: oh for the love of pete!

d: hey what's your problem shrek? what you got against the whole world anyway?

s: look, i'm not the one with the problem, okay? it's the world that seems to have a problem with me! people take one look at me and go aaaarrgghh, help, run! a big stupid ugly ogre! (sighs) they judge me before they even know me. that's why i'm better off alone.

d: you know what? when we met, i didn't think you was just a big stupid ugly ogre.

s: yeah, i know.

d: so, er, are there any donkeys up there?

s: well, there's erm, gabby, the small...and annoying.

d: okay okay i see it, i see it now. yeah, big shiny one, right there, right, that that one there?

s: that's the moon.

d: oh.

(music)

f: again. show me again. mirror mirror, show her to me. show me the princess. ah, perfect. (inhales)
mrtn

11

s: [snoring]

f: [vocalising]

[vocalising continues]

bd: [whistling]

[whistling continues]

f: [vocalises]

bd: [whistles]

f: [vocalises]

bd: [whistles]

f: [vocalising]

bd: [whistling]

f: [vocalising, high-pitched]

bd: [whistling, high-pitched]

[continues]

[thmp]

[sizzling]

s: [sniffs, yawns]

d: mmm, yeah, you know i like it like that.
c'mon, baby, i said i like it.

s: donkey, wake up.

d: huh? what?

s: wake up.

d: what?

f: good morning.
how do you like your eggs?

d: good morning, princess!

s: what's all this about?

f: y'know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday, and,
i wanted to make it up to you.

i mean, after all, you did rescue me.

s: uh,... thanks.

d: [sniffs]

f: well, eat up.
we've got a big day ahead of us.

s: [belches]

d: shrek!

s: what? it's a compliment.
better out than in, i always say.
[laughs]

d: well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

f: [belches]
thanks.

d: she's as nasty as you are.

s: [laughs]
you know, you're not exactly what i expected.

f: well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
[vocalising]

mh: la liberteeeee! hey!

s: princess!

mh: [laughs]

f: what are you doing?

mh: be still, mon cherie for i am your saviour!
and i am rescuing you from this green-- [kissing sounds]
--beast!

s: hey!
that's my princess! go find your own!

mh: please, monster!
can't you see i'm a little busy here?

f: look, pal, i don't know hwo you think you are...

mh: oh! of course!
oh, how rude.
please, let me introduce myself.
oh, merry meeeeen! [laughs]

t: [accordion]

<singing>

mm: ta da da da da da woo!

mh: i steal from the rich and give to the needy

mm: he takes a wee percentage

mh: but i'm not greedy
i rescue pretty damsels, man, i'm good

mm: what a guy, monsieur hood

mh: break it down...

[riverdancing!]

mh: i like an honest fight and a saucy little maid

mm: what he's basically saying is he likes to get get--

mh: paid

mm: sooooo

mh: when an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush
that's bad

mm: that's bad
that's bad
that's bad

mh: when a beauty's with a beast,
it makes me awfully mad

mm: he's mad
he's really really mad

mh: i'll take my blade and ram it through your heart
keep your eyes on me boys
'cause i'm about to staaaaaaaaaaart

</singing>

mh: [grunts, groans]

f: [karate yell]

mm: [gasping]

f: [panting]
man, that was annoying!

mm: oh, you little--

[arrow richocets]

f: [karate yell]

t: [accordion]

mm: [shouting, groaning]
[groaning]

f: [chuckles]
um, shall we?

s: hold the phone
[drops donkey]

d: [grunts]

s: oh! whoa, whoa, whoa.
hold on now.
where did that come from?

f: what?

s: that! back there. that was amazing!
where did you learn that?

f: well-- [chuckles]
when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a--
there's an arrow in your butt!

s: what?
oh, would you look at that?

f: oh, no. this is all my fault.
i'm so sorry.

d: why? what's wrong?

f: shrek's hurt.

d: shrek's hurt. shrek's hurt?
oh, no, shrek's gonna die.

s: donkey, i'm okay.

d: you can't do this to me, shrek.
i'm too young for you to die.
keep your legs elevated.
turn your head and cough.
does anyone know the heimlich?

f: donkey! calm down.
if you wanna help shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

d: blue flower, red thorns.
okay, i'm on it.
blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns.
don't die, shrek.
if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

s&f: donkey!

d: oh, yeah. right.
blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns.

s: what are the flowers for?

f: for getting rid of donkey.

s: ah.

f: now you hold still, and i'll yank this thing out.

s: ow! hey! easy with the yankin'.

f: well, i'm sorry, but it, but it has to come come out.

s: no, it's tender.

f: now hold on.

s: what you're doing is the opposite of help.

f: don't move.

s: look, time out

f: would you-- [grunts]
okay. what do you propose we do?

d: blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns.
this would be so much easier if i wasn't colour-blind!
blue flower, red thorns. blue flower, red thorns.

s: ow!

d: hold on, shrek! i'm comin'!

s: ow! not good.

f: okay. okay, i can nearly see the head.

s: [grunts]

f: it's just about--

s: ow! ohh!

d: ahem.

s: nothing happened.
we were just, uh--

d: look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask, okay?

s: oh, come on!
that's the last thing on my mind.
the princess here was just-- ugh!
[quietly] ow!

d: hey, what's that?
[nervous chuckle]
that's-- is that blood?
[sighs, faints]

steve

12

(bird chirping)

(music)

d: aaahhhhhhhhh!

s, f: (laughing)

s: there it is princess. your future awaits you.

f: that's du loc?

d: yeah i know. you know shrek thinks lord faquaad's compensating for something. which i think means he has a reall small - ow!

s: um, i, um, i guess we'd better move on.

f: sure. but shrek? i'm - i'm worried about donkey.

s: what?

f: i mean, look at him! he doesn't look so good!

d: what are you talking about, i'm fine.

f: well that's what they always say, and then, then next thing you know you're on your back. dead.

s: you know, she's right. you look awful. do you want to sit down?

f: you know, i'll make you some tea.

d: well i didn't want to see nothing but i got this twinge in my neck and when i turn my head like this (crunch) ow see!

s: who's hungry? i'll find us some dinner!

f: i'll get the firewood!

d: hey where you going? oh man, i can't feel my toes! i don't have any toes! i think i need a hug!

(music)

f: mm. mm. this is good. delicious. what is this?

s: er, weedrat. rotisserie style!

f: no kidding? well this is delicious.

s: well they're also great in stews. now i don't mean to brag, but i make a mean weedrat stew.

f: (sighs) i guess i'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

s: (gulps) maybe you can come and visit me in the swampt sometime? i'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare, you name it.

f: (chuckles) i'd like that.

s: (slurps, laughs) um, princess?

f: yes, shrek?

s: i, um, i was wondering - are you, er, (sighs) are you gonna eat that?

d: man isn't this romantic! just look at that sunset!

f: sunset? oh no! i mean it's late. it's very late.

s: what?

d: wait a minute, i see what's going on here! you're afraid of the dark, aren't you1

f: yes that's it! i'm terrified. you know, i'd better go inside.

d: well don't feel bad, princess, you know i used to be afraid of the dark too, until - hey no, wait, i'm still afraid of the dark!

s: (sighs)

f: goodnight.

s: goodnight.

d: oh, now i really see what's going on here!

s: oh what're you talking about?

d: hey, i don't even wanna hear it. look i'm an animal, and i got instincts, and i know that you two are diggin' on each other, i could feel it.

s: oh you're crazy, i'm just bringing her back to farqaad.

d: oh come on shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones! just go on in and tell her how you feel.

s: i, er! there's nothing to tell! besides, even if i did tell her that, well, you know, and i'm not saying i do, cos i don't, she's a princess, and i'm -

d: an ogre?

s: yeah, an ogre.

d: hey, where you going?

s: to get...firewood. (sighs)
mrtn

13

d: princess? princes fiona?

princess, where are you?

[wings fluttering]

d: princess?

[creaking]

d: [gasps]
it's very spooky in here. i ain't playing no games.

f: [screams]

d: aaah!

f: no, no!

d: oh, no! help!

s: shh!

d: shrek! shrek! shrek!

f: no, it's okay. it's okay.

d: what did you do with the princess?

f: donkey, i'm the princess.

d: aah!

f: it's me, in this body.

d: oh, my god! you ate the princess!
can you hear me?

f: donkey!

d:listen, keep breathing!
i'll get you out of there!

f: no!

d: shrek! shrek! shrek!
shrek!

f: shh. this is me.

d: [muffled mumbling]
princess?

what happened to you? you're, uh, uh, uh, .. different.

f: i'm ugly, okay?

d: well, yeah!
was it something that you ate? 'cause i told shrek those rats was a bad idea.
you are what you eat, i said. now--

f: no. i-- i've been this way for as long as i can remember.

d: what do you mean? look, i ain't never seen you like this before.

f: it only happens when the sun goes down.

"by night one way, by day another.
this shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss...
and then take love's true form."

d: ah, that's beauitful. ididn't know you wrote poetry.

f: it's a spell.

[sighs] when i was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me.
every night i become this
this horrible, ugly beast!

i was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.

that's why i have to marry lord farquaad tomorrow,
before the sun sets and he sees me...
like this. [sobs]

d: all right, all right. calm down.
look, it's not that bad.
you not that ugly.well, uh, well, i ain't gonna lie. you are ugly.
but you only look like this at night. shrek's ugly 24-7.

f: but donkey, i'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

d: princess, how 'bout if you don't marry farquaad?

f: i have to.
only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

d: but, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre,
and shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.

f: shrek?

[cut to outside]

s: princess, i--
uh, how's it going, first of all?
good? um, good for me too. i'm okay.

i saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and--
well, i don't really like it, but i though you might like it 'cause you're pretty.
but i like you anyway. i'd-- uh, uh-- [sighs]
i'm in trouble. okay, here we go.

[f]: i can't just marry whoever i want.
take a good look at me, donkey.
i mean, really.
who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?
"princess" and "ugly" don't go together.
that's why i can't stay here with shrek.

s: [gasps]

[f]: my only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.

s: [deep sigh]

[f]: don't you see, donkey?
that's just how it has to be.

[shrek walks off]

[cut to inside]

f: it's the only way to break the spell.

d: you at least gotta tell shrek the truth.

f: no! you can't breathe a word no one must ever know.

d: what's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

f: promise you won't tell. promise!

d: all right, all right, i won't tell him. but you should.

[d walks outside]

d: i just know before this is over, i'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
look at my eye twitchin'.

[door opens]

d: [snores]

[f]: i tell him, i tell him not.

[cut to inside]
f: i tell him, i tell him not.
i tell him.
steve

14

f: i tell him. i tell him not. i tell him. shrek! shrek! there's something i want -

(snoring)

(music)

f: shrek! are you alright?

s: perfect. never been better.

f: i, i dont, er, there's something i have to tell you.

s: you don't have to tell me anything princess. i heard enough last night!

f: you heard what i said?

s: every word!

f: i thought you'd understand.

s: oh, i understand. like you said, who could love a hideous, ugly beast?

f: but i thought that wouldn't matter to you?

s: yeah, well it does! ah, right on time. princess, i've brought you a little something.

(fanfare)

d: ah, what'd i miss? what'd i miss? who said that? couldn't have been a donkey.

fq: princess fiona.

s: as promised. now hand it over.

fq: very well ogre, the deed to your swamp. emptied out, as agreed. take it and go - before i change my mind. forgive me princess for startling you, but you startled me. i have never seen such a radiant beauty before. i am lord farquaad.

f: lord farquaad? oh, no no. forgive me my lord for i was just saying a short...farewell.

fq: ah, that is so sweet. you don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. it's not like it has feelings.

f: no, you're right. it doesn't.

fq: princess fiona. beautiful fair flawless fiona. i ask your hand in marraige.

f: ah!

fq: will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

f: lord farquaad, i accept. nothing would make -

fq: excellent, i'll start the plans! for tomorrow, we wed!

f: no! i mean, why wait? let's get married today! before sunset.

fq: oh, anxious are we? you're right, the sooner the better. there's so much to do! there's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. captain, round up some guests!

f: fare thee well, ogre!

d: shrek, what are you doing? you're letting her get away!

s: yeah, so what?

d: shrek, there's something about her that you don't know. i talked to her last night, she's -

s: i know you talked to her last night. you're great pals, aren't ya? now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

d: but shrek, i wanna go with you.

s: i told you didn't i? you're not coming home with me. i live alone! my swamp! me! nobody else, understand? nobody! especially uselss, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

d: but, i thought-

s: yeah. you know what? you thought wrong!

d: shrek-
mrtn

15

[music]

Dragon: (moaning, crying)
mrtn

16

(thumping sound)

s: donkey?

d: (grunts)

s: what are you doing?

d: i would think of all people you would recognise a wall when you see one.

s: well, yeah. but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

d: it is around your half, see? that's your half, this is my half.

s: oh, your half? hmm.

d: yes, my half. i helped rescue the princess. i did half the work, i get half the booty. now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

s: back off!

d: no, you back off!

s: this is my swamp!

d: our swamp!

s: let go donkey!

d: you let go!

s: stubborn jackass!

d: smelly ogre!

s: fine!

d: hey hey, come back here! i'm not through with you yet!

s: well i'm through with you!

d: uh uh. you know with you it's always me me me! well guess what? now it's my turn, so you just shut up and pay attention. you are mean to me. you insult me and you don't appreciate anything that i do. you're always pushing me around, or pushing me away.

s: oh yeah. well if i treated you so bad, how come you came back?

d: because that's what friends do, they forgive each other!

s: oh yeah, you're right donkey. i forgive you...for stabbing me in the back!

d: ohhh! you're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

s: go away!

d: see? there you are, doing it again, just like you did to fiona. all she ever did was like you. maybe even love you.

s: love me? she said i was ugly! a hideous creature! i heard the two of you talking.

d: she wasn't talking about you, she was talking about, er, somebody else.

s: she wasn't talking about me? well, then who was she talkng about?

d: uh uh, no way, i ain't saying anything. you don't want to listen to me, right? right?

s: donkey.

d: no!

s: okay, look. i'm sorry, alright?

d: hmph.

s: (sighs) i'm sorry. i guess i am just a big stupid ugly ogre. can you forgive me?

d: hey, that's what friends are for, right?

s: right. friends?

d: friends.

s: so, erm, what did fiona say about me?

d: aw, what're you asking me for? why don't you just go ask her?

s: the wedding! we'll never make it in time!

d: (laughs) never fear, for where there's a will there's a way, and i have a way. (whistles)

[music]

(roaring)

s: donkey?

d: i guess it's just my animal magnetism!

s: (laughs) aw come here you!

d: alright alright don't get all slobbery. no one likes a kiss ass. all right, hop on. and hold on tight! i haven't had chance to install the seatbelts yet! (laughs) woohoo!
mrtn

17

[bells tolling]

[all gasping]

v: people of duloc,we gather here today... to bear witness... to the union...

f: um--

v: of our new king--

f: excuse me.
could we just skip ahead to the "i do's"? (whoa, punctuation nightmare!)

fq: [chuckling] go on.

dg: [snorts]

d: go ahead, have some fun. if we need you, i'll whistle. how about that?

shrek, wait, wait!
hey, wait a minute!
look, you wanna do this right, don't you?

s: what are you talking about?

d: there's a line, there's aline you gotta wait for.
the preacher's gonna say, "speak now or forever hold your peace,"
and that's when you say, "i object!"

s: oh, i don't have time for this!

d: hey, wait, wait! what are you doing?
listen to me!
look, you love this woman, don't you?

s: yes.

d: you wanna hold her?

s: yes.

d: please her?

s: yes.

d: [singing] then you got to, got to, try a little tenderness.
chicks love that romantic crap.

s: all right! cut it out.
when does this guy say the line?

d: we gotta check it out.

[cut to inside church]

[d]: [grunting]

v: and so, by the power vested in me,

[s]: what do you se?

[cut to outside]

d: the whole town's in there.

[v]: i now pronounce you husband and wife...

d: they're at the altar.

[v]: king and queen.

d: mother fletcher! he already said it.

s: oh, for the love of pete!

d: [grunts]

s: [crashes thru doors] i object!

f: shrek?

v: [gasps] (this film has more gasps than muddyfunkster!)

fq: oh, now what does he want?

[crowd clamouring]

s: hi, everyone. havin' a good time, are ya?
i love duloc, first of all.
very clean.

f: what are you doing here?

fq: really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding--

s: fiona! i need to talk to you.

f: oh, now you wanna talk? well, it's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me--

s: but you can't marry him.

f: and why not?

s: because-- because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

fq: outrageous! fiona, don't listen to him.

s: he's not your true love.

f: and what do you know about true love?

s: well, i-- uh-- i mean--

fq: oh, this is precious.
[chuckling]
the ogre has fallen in love with the princess! oh, good lord.

[crowd laughing]

fq: an ogre and a princess.

[laughing continues]

f: shrek, is this true?

fq: who cares? it's preposterous! fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after."
now kiss me! [puckers up] mmmm!

steve

18

(thumping sound)

s: donkey?

d: (grunts)

s: what are you doing?

d: i would think of all people you would recognise a wall when you see one.

s: well, yeah. but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

d: it is around your half, see? that's your half, this is my half.

s: oh, your half? hmm.

d: yes, my half. i helped rescue the princess. i did half the work, i get half the booty. now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

s: back off!

d: no, you back off!

s: this is my swamp!

d: our swamp!

s: let go donkey!

d: you let go!

s: stubborn jackass!

d: smelly ogre!

s: fine!

d: hey hey, come back here! i'm not through with you yet!

s: well i'm through with you!

d: uh uh. you know with you it's always me me me! well guess what? now it's my turn, so you just shut up and pay attention. you are mean to me. you insult me and you don't appreciate anything that i do. you're always pushing me around, or pushing me away.

s: oh yeah. well if i treated you so bad, how come you came back?

d: because that's what friends do, they forgive each other!

s: oh yeah, you're right donkey. i forgive you...for stabbing me in the back!

d: ohhh! you're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

s: go away!

d: see? there you are, doing it again, just like you did to fiona. all she ever did was like you. maybe even love you.

s: love me? she said i was ugly! a hideous creature! i heard the two of you talking.

d: she wasn't talking about you, she was talking about, er, somebody else.

s: she wasn't talking about me? well, then who was she talkng about?

d: uh uh, no way, i ain't saying anything. you don't want to listen to me, right? right?

s: donkey.

d: no!

s: okay, look. i'm sorry, alright?

d: hmph.

s: (sighs) i'm sorry. i guess i am just a big stupid ugly ogre. can you forgive me?

d: hey, that's what friends are for, right?

s: right. friends?

d: friends.

s: so, erm, what did fiona say about me?

d: aw, what're you asking me for? why don't you just go ask her?

s: the wedding! we'll never make it in time!

d: (laughs) never fear, for where there's a will there's a way, and i have a way. (whistles)

[music]

(roaring)

s: donkey?

d: i guess it's just my animal magnetism!

s: (laughs) aw come here you!

d: alright alright don't get all slobbery. no one likes a kiss ass. all right, hop on. and hold on tight! i haven't had chance to install the seatbelts yet! (laughs) woohoo!
mrtn

19

d: i was hoping this would be a happy ending!

[music]

gb: god bless us, every one.

d: c'mon yall!

[music]

d: (laughs hysterically) oh, that's funny! oh, oh! i can't breathe! i can't breathe!
mrtn